School of Hard Knocks

This past Sunday, Mother's Day, my mom
pointed out to me that it was last year on Mother's Day
that we broke the news that I was pregnant again.
As I thought about that, about this past year of my life,
I was amazed at all that has happened, all that we have
been through since then. I wouldn't want to go through
this past year again for anything.
But at the same time, there has been such joy.
We have known difficulties and problems,
and we have been blessed.
I have not liked the hard stuff. I don't like it
right now at this very moment. But I do see good in it.
I do see God working stuff together to our benefit.
I do get glimpses of a greater plan.

There have been many times I have pondered that
simple instruction "Count it all joy when you
fall into various kinds of trials."
Count it all joy?
I still don't know that I have a grasp on that.
I am certainly not going to say,
"Here are the lessons
that God has been teaching us
and we have learned them well."
I'm not sure what lessons God has been trying to teach us,
if we have learned them, or if He is just getting started.
I don't know. But tonight we were saying that even if
every single problem got solved tomorrow and we were
suddenly living the most wonderfully perfect life, we don't
want to lose sight of the things we are seeing now. We don't
want to forget the lessons we are learning or the
perspective we have from this low point.

I've also been thinking about my ability to share things.
It amazes me sometimes how some people can just tell you
what they feel about things, and they just know.
They can just identify it
and put a name on it and there you go.
I can't do that.
I don't know if it's because I grew up in a family where we
didn't really talk about feelings or if it's because I'm the type
of person whose emotions seem to change like waves in the
ocean. Sometimes I will have these lightening bolt moments
where I identify something and it really does amaze me.
This must seem absurd. But it will happen, I will see something clearly--
for example: "Hey, I'm jealous! That's what this is all about."
And then I'm so proud of myself for recognizing that.
It's a rare occasion, I assure you.
But then for me to share stuff with people....I can do it
on a certain level, yes, but not deeper things.
And this has been apparent to me in this past year
when things have been rough.
I have a hard time saying that I need help in some ways.
I have a hard time admitting that I'm struggling,
that I need prayer and guidance. I can admit it to God
(sometimes I think these desperate pleas for help are all
He ever hears from me), but not to other people.
Even those close to me.
And yet here I am telling my Dear Reader.
I don't know if this even makes sense to you.....
Or what point I am trying to make.
Maybe this is just one of those
"emptying the contents of my head" kind of posts.
I'm just so full of thoughts and hopes
and apprehensions tonight.
Am I on the verge of something great or more hard stuff?
Harder stuff than ever before even. I hope not.
And I hope that we won't continue to just be suspended in air.
It's like someone who has had to carefully balance
a fragile object for a long time.
My arms are tired.
My aching muscles are beginning to shake.
Something is going to have to happen.

And yet...every time I get that way....I remember that
underneath me and my tired arms are The Everlasting Arms
.....and a Love that will not let me go.
So whatever happens....it's going to be okay.
God is in control.
Do I trust Him?

Yes.
I do.