In The Mood

I remember after Lovely K was born, I was such an emotional mess. Lloyd Dobbler will always tell the story of how I cried at dinner every night for like a week after she was born. One night it was even something funny that caused me to break into tears (he did the Jimmy Stewart "I forgot my hat" impersonation that I love and CRIED in response). I don't think I was as crazy after the birth of my next two lovely babies, but I am sure that I have cried and had my emotional moments in each and every post partum period.

This time is no exception.

I think last week was the big time for these outbursts. They seemed to happen at night, at bedtime, when I was exhausted from the day and I'd be hurting and you know how you get into that frame of mind where you just feel like this is what the rest of your life is going to be like? Like you're never going to see the light of day or feel good again?

Being in pain seemed to bring these episodes out more also.

But who among us has given birth to a child
and NOT been emotional at some point afterward?

It's just the hormonal mess that you are dealing with and it's normal. I was talking to another new mom this week on the phone (one much younger that me) and assuring her that what she was dealing with was normal. Sometimes you do feel like you're just not yourself and you don't know how to get back to that. We want to be able to make it happen, but some things only happen with time. You just have to ride it out and deal with it moment by moment until then.

And as a good friend of mine said to me today:
"This too shall pass."

Isn't that the perspective we need to keep?
It's so easy to get bogged down with
whatever your daily life situation may be.
I'm knee deep in a new baby and three other
children and recovery. You may be overwhelmed with
home schooling or a stressful job or health issues
or family problems. But doesn't it always help to take a
moment to step back and put things in perspective?
Think about eternity.
Think about God's hand in your life
and know that nothing that comes to you has slipped
in without Him knowing about it.
He is at work in our lives.
Sometimes He has to teach us the same lesson
over and over because we don't really learn it.
Sometimes we just need to learn to lean on Him
and to quit striving and thinking that we can do things
in our own strength and power.

One thing I am dealing with now (again!)
that I think I have dealt with
each time after I've had a new baby is an issue with my thoughts. I'll just be overwhelmed with these fears for the baby sometimes. It often manifests itself in nightmares. I have prayed so much about it recently, trying to bring these thoughts captive to the Lord. And it's one of those things where there will be "victory" and then another time, hours later or the next day, sometime when I am tired usually, it rears its ugly head again just like it had never been dealt with and I have to just pray again that God will wipe those thoughts out of my mind.

Well well, this is just turning into True Confessions with the Bell between this post and the last. I hope you don't think I'm messed up or anything. I'm okay. I'm just emptying the contents of my head. Just "keeping it real."

In other news:
Baby J is doing just fine.
He's growing and changing moment by moment
right before our eyes.
Tomorrow is the date he was due to be born.
I have heard people say when a baby comes early that they often "mature" or just seem to thrive better once they hit the date that they were due. I wonder if we will see any change in him. Last night he went almost 4 hours between feedings one time and that was great. I felt like I got a lovely chunk of sleep then. That's what I am longing for---for him to stretch out these feedings in the night. It'll happen. I think you just forget what it is like in the beginning after you've already had a child and you know how it does get easier. You want to just skip that difficult stage and fast forward to something easier.
But it will come.
He's doing fine.
He's beautiful and healthy and he's a much better nurser
than either of my other two boys ever were.
So I can't complain.
I've just got to "do the next thing."
Before we know it, I'll be much further down the road saying
"Oh, I miss those newborn days."
But when (or IF) I say that, I think I can confidently say
that what I will be missing will not be the two to three hour
feeding schedules or the tiredness or any of this other stuff
that I'm wallowing in now.

It'll be that precious newness
that slips away so quickly....


But we'll be enjoying
all the other "newnesses" to come.