Back to life, back to reality

I feel like today is the day that
everyone has returned to
"normal life." We've all had the
Christmas/New Year's holidays.
Everything kind of goes into this
alternate form of daily life during
the holidays. Things are more
relaxed. Everything is out of
routine. But it's January 4th,
the first Monday after the holidays.
Lloyd Dobbler went back to work this morning.
Some schools are starting back
today. Today is registration for my
home school co-op. Everything is
starting back.
Everything except for me.

Don't get me wrong
---I'm not laying in the bed asking for drugs.
No. I'm up.
I'm showered.
I've had breakfast.
I'm fixing to put on make-up
(if I ever get of the dang computer).
But I'm not ready for the full swing of things. Not at all.
I still can't lift things that weigh more than my tiny boy
(or I'm not supposed to).
I haven't driven yet, though I may do that today.
I have to sit down really quickly if I feel a sneeze coming on
because standing and sneezing are just not a good
combination right now. That seems to be the one thing
that really makes me cringe right now.
I've helped make meals and done little jobs that make me
feel like a child more than anything. I just feel like I'm
still living in some altered form of reality.
I keep thinking I'll snap my fingers at some point
and things will be back to normal.

But as someone pointed out, normal for me now
is not going to be what normal for me was before.
Things are different.
Our life has changed.
We have a new person amongst us.
Lloyd Dobbler has this crazy new job to adjust to
(now that he can focus on it and not be
constantly distracted by a high risk pregnancy).
So I need to just stop squirming around,
feeling so uncomfortable in this new place.
I need to just enjoy it.
Like these newborn baby days.
They won't come again.
This is the end of the line
(unless God really has different plans for us)
and I need to enjoy holding my little one, cupping that
tiny little head in my hand, hearing his little squeaks
and coos. These days won't happen again.
And not just him---I have three other children
who are growing up as fast as they can. I've got to
stop focusing so much on little daily specifics that I don't
notice the constant changes in the big picture.


We've got all of January for "recovery."
I feel strange that we aren't whipping out the school books
today and diving back into the routine with the
rest of the world. But I had planned things so that
we can have the entire month of January
off if we need that long. Those around me are
encouraging me to take the entire month.
I fear my students' brains might be jello by the time
February gets here....but at least we have the
freedom not to be rushed, not to HAVE to start
before we are ready.
I am very thankful for that.

We go to the doctor today with Baby J again.
I hope he has gained a significant amount of weight.
He was under his birth weight last Monday
when we went. But his face has filled out so much
over the past few days. I feel confident that he
has gained weight.
We will see how much.

It occurred to me that I didn't post any pictures
of the baby's room when I mentioned it before.
These are the things I think about at midnight
or two in the morning when I am sitting in there feeding
the baby, trying to stay awake. I'll try to take
some pictures of that and share with you.
And I could post a picture of that beautiful boy
so you can see how he's doing. Why does it seem
like a big effort to me to post pictures?
I don't know why I hate putting pictures on the computer.
It's not like it's hard work or something.
I just have little hang ups on little things.
What can I say? I'm retarded.

Have a lovely day, Dear Reader.
Try not to freeze your tootsies off.
It is COLD COLD COLD here in Middle TN.
And I do mean COLD.

COLD.

Stay warm, my friend.